Day 2 (writing a journal) – New Year’s Eve eve

I crawled out of bed long after my second, yet pre 6am alarm. I had long lost the momentum I built through last week in wanting to have anything to do with swimming. Yesterday I skipped despite having paid and pre-registered. Last night I promised myself and made a rule that I must go today. I must do two swim sessions this week.

I looked at the clock driving west towards the pool and it read 5:59am. One minute left to get in and get started. Certainly left no time for dreadful thought.

Ugh it was cold, walking backwards down the granny steps into the pool. I don’t think I’ve got the core or balance yet to bend down and hop into the water gracefully. And to think, I’ll be finished my second Ironman in 8 months from today. I’ll probably have spent way too much money on finisher swag and be elated to have completed a second Ironman. I truly believe this one is much more difficult and racing in Penticton will be, dare I predict, cathartic.

A second Ironman! I have dreamt of doing this again. Somehow, I allowed that first one to be minimized. I recall a coach, thankfully not mine, congratulate me for knocking something off my bucket list. I heard the implication how that Ironman was just a one and done thing and I hadn’t demonstrated any of the commitment, tenacity and consistency of a true triathlete.

I still struggle mightily with consistency. Anybody that knows me would agree. They would also agree that I do not lack commitment or tenacity, and when I say I will rip every shred of experience from this race and this training, they know not to doubt me.

I’m back in the pool tomorrow…

Day 12 – Christmas Eve

Living in Canada, I recognize that we’re a secular nation. That’s one of our brilliances, our diversity. I was borne Catholic but have abandoned that path for one more connected to a life force, a more natural existence filled with gratitude for all living beings. I recognize that their is no evil, just acts and behaviours that are wondrous and all shades of grey thereafter. Certainly, there are some acts that are repulsive, appear as black as the darkest forest. They seem evil, yet, we are all human and we each have roots back to our first breath, the innocence of youth. We can be grateful for those first moments and for all the learning that we go forward with into our dying days. And of all the people we come across that bring us those lessons.

I appreciate the work and strong christian influences as it’s given me a sense of love, of family and appreciation especially during this part of the year. I also recognize that these strong christian influences have been at the expense of so many and I am reminded to think of all people at this time of year, to try not to make myself joyously bigger than I need to be. That can be harmful to others who may have a vastly different experience with this time of year. And I love those people and ache for each of them to feel well.

This past month, AJ and I have scrambled to bring a day full of wonder and love to our family. Our kids are bursting in excitement and I’m warmed to see 8 year old Emily so excited to give gifts to the rest of us. She can hardly contain herself with each present she has wrapped, carefully in place. It’s also sad to think that we can’t involve more people during these pressing pandemic days. There is always more we can do to help our community.

I am grateful that I feel well and also am feeling stronger each day. I attribute today’s wellness to my yoga session with Emily last night. I was dreading it beforehand and even in the beginning but soon felt that love and connection with my daughter and noticed that I am quickly getting stronger and more flexible. Em is my yoga coach and is as important to my Ironman success as anybody. I pay her $20 per week and she is worth every penny.

I completed my fourth swim of the week today. I heard a few notes of Pearl Jam over the pool stereo system between laps and got a jolt of adrenaline and focus. I was able to squeeze in 2200m at a 2:36/100m pace. I’ve finished 7 swims now and feel accomplished. I have a long way to go and this is a very good start.

I want to race Ironman pain free. I want to feel connected in community throughout my training, I do not want to feel lonely and isolated. That begins with embracing my family and asking for their help employing their unique strengths.

Wishing everyone love, lightness and wellness.

Day 11 – writing a journal

I’m the least interested in writing this today of the 11 day streak that I’m on. I feel unmotivated and sort of void of thoughts or any vision for what I want to say here. It’s a vulnerable type of day however I did get my third of four swim sessions in, had some time to connect with my wife already this morning and listened to my son singing carols from bed as he was waking up. It’s also sunny out and cool, about 0 degrees C. A good day!

The doldrums I guess stem from last night and feeling disappointed instead of grateful on my anniversary date with AJ. She wasn’t able to make it to our hopeful snowshoe destination, to be able to see the Jupiter/Saturn conjunction. I started thinking again of how physical activity may not be in our collective lives. This is immensely sad to me given how important sport and being physically active are to me. So inevitably I feel torn, do I go off by myself every day honouring that piece of me which is so important, a life essence so to speak, or do I minimize myself in attempts to connect and remain close. I’m prone to do the latter.

I know which AJ would choose. She would insist that I go out on my own and be vibrant knowing that when I come home, I would be in a wellness state. The problem is one of aloneness and loneliness and feelings of guilt and shame. So these are the feelings that I need to let go, just get them over with. They will come but they don’t need to disrupt my life.

In addition to the many blessings and positives which I already mentioned, I am eating well and am on track to meet my weekly swimming goal. Another slightly discouraging piece is being up 0.2 pounds despite eating what I needed to yesterday. My protein consumption has been high so perhaps I’m building quite a bit more muscle than I have in the past at this stage. I’m going to slightly lower my daily calorie intake in hopes that will result in more weight loss. I am ahead of the game still down 1.6 pounds already to meet my 10 pound weight-loss goal for January. One day at a time!

I want to race Ironman pain free and I will train my body and mind to become stronger in all ways. This means a gradual build of volume, avoiding running, increasing hiking and showshoeing, getting my bike tires switched over to be able to ride in the winter. I want to be doing 7-9 hours of weekly activity right now with the idea of moving that to 10+ hours/week in January.

I can’t wait to go snowshoeing again, to go skating with Bob later today and do yoga with Emily as well.

In the meantime, I will do some good work and earn that which I desire.

PS One other thing I forgot to mention is AJ’s idea of renewing our vows next year and inviting people who weren’t able to make it the first time, like my family and friends. I really like that idea. ❤

Day 10 – writing a journal

I feel well right now but had an off day yesterday with my mood. It’s my 9th anniversary today and for some reason was interpreting AJ’s illness as relationship based sadness. When I came home last night, I felt deflated but AJ was feeling good and had really great energy about her. We ate supper (dinner as Emily loves to argue with me) and then set to making lanterns for winter solstice. It was a lot of fun working together as a family and we worked for a long time before deciding to do more today. Well they are while I’m at work.

After lantern making, we took some time to watch Star Wars; the Sith rises or whatever. It’s a total drag and utterly devastating and sad. I think I’ve only seen it once before. We still haven’t finished it.

Anyway, so those Star Wars related feelings are dank, heavy and putrid. Good to let them go.

I awoke today on my first alarm after a four minute lag period. It snowed enough to make things all crusty this morning but it was cool, beautiful and quiet. After scraping the ice of the car, I made the 5 minute drive to the pool and was the first one in. Pretty quiet overall as only 4 of us swimming laps today. My time was down from yesterday but attributable to swimming yesterday plus not feeling the same sense of urgency with a lane all to myself.

I weighed myself before I set off to the pool of course and saw a slight gain of 0.8lbs (348.2) which I’m feeling discouraged by. I knew the day would come that I would gain weight when I thought I ate well the day before. Now the gain could be due to many factors and I remind myself that I feel good and well. I am on track to accomplishing my goal and am on schedule to complete my swim session goal for this week having done two of four sessions already. I am on track and it’s one day at a time.

I’ve been playing with the idea of losing 10 pounds per month up to August 29th. That would be a racing weight of 260lbs which is near what I was racing at in 2014. I’ve lost 10 pounds already in December and am building upon that for January. I am on track. One thing I may need to be mindful of though is spacing out my daily calories as it’s mostly been in three meals. I need to eat 5 times a day with some good snack options. I like the premiere protein shakes. They are tasty, satiating and pack a good protein punch. Tracking my food each day, I am hitting my protein macro targets which is something I’ve never done in the past.

I am on track and that’s the lesson today. Tonight, AJ and I are going for an evening snowshoe up Mount Seymour. It’ll be a beautiful starry night and I can’t wait to share that with her. She gave me a beautiful painting today with a lovely quote about the optimism and opportunity of fishing. I love it! I’m going to get her an archery target. LOL!

Day 9 – writing a journal (Winter Solstice)

Happy Solstice. One of my favourite days of the year. Much time for reflection and opportunity for rebirth. Today among all the days of the year, is the one I feel the greatest hope. Hope for light, growth, nutrition, energy, love and a good reminder to let go. Sending you all much love and since we couldn’t go to a labyrinth, we made one in the yard. All are welcome. 

I was back in the pool today though a little sluggish to wake up. Needed my second alarm. The weekend was so busy that I lost a bit of focus preparing for this week ahead. I went for a great hike with Copper into Golden Ears Provincial Park, a two hour return trip but came out in the dark. Kind of got turned around which wasn’t the best but made it back safely. It was during that return that I remembered my swim goal for this week, 4 sessions. Eek. Well I got my first one in and feel grand. I am over 20 seconds / 100m faster than I was last Wednesday. Huge gains! Somewhat attributable to swimming amongst more people. I could feel the stress in my body to be faster.

And now into the day I go. It is winter solstice and I have much to look forward to tonight. Making lanterns with my family, moving into the labyrinth for some prayer and then some yoga with my coach, Emily.

Wishing you all the best and much newness and strength in letting go.

Miigwetch!

Day 8 – writing in my journal

I’ve switched over from Tumblr as it seems my posts are deleted after a certain length of time and I like the idea of my experiences, as written here, not being deleted.

I haven’t written here in such a long time but I’ve long learned that keeping a journal, whether private or not, is immensely helpful to me, for my overall health, mentally most so. It’s an accountability tool where I’ve taken to writing what I want and what am I prepared to do to get it. This helps me focus upon what’s most important to me in my life and gives me power over momentary urges that are not in my best interest. One of my biggest challenges is overeating and I’ve recently ballooned back up to 360 pounds. This seems to be my equilibrium weight, being the weight that fits my worst eating habits with my base level activity. Also, included in this is my disgust in not being able to move, fit into my clothes, tie my shoes, put my socks on, get out of bed, ridden with pain (body and headaches), circulation issues and burning skin. This is not what I want!

So now I’ve been writing privately for seven days and have gotten past that most difficult hump of being consumed by my cravings and daily weaknesses. I have also been food journaling which is a horrible chore and instrumental in being able to get over that hump. I’m happy to say that I now weight 348.2 pounds. I’m accustomed to rapid weight loss in these beginning stages. Once I stop eating up to 5000 calories a day and eat more like 2000, my activity and lifestyle allows me to lose weight to a certain point.

One strategy I’m working on, knowing that this rapid weight loss will not last, is the one day at a time method. It’s easy for me to get discouraged. One landmine I subconsciously set for myself is getting over-confident, which can lead to letting my guard down and adding more treats to my day. This is slippery slope. I say that I set these barriers up for myself because I believe that deep down, there is trauma which makes me feel unsafe being any other weight. There’s something about feeling confident, good about myself, sexy that can be very uncomfortable, to the point where my skin tingles in anxiety. Like any daily weakness and cravings, these are temporary experiences and I’m going to take it one day at a time.