Day 2 (writing a journal) – New Year’s Eve eve

I crawled out of bed long after my second, yet pre 6am alarm. I had long lost the momentum I built through last week in wanting to have anything to do with swimming. Yesterday I skipped despite having paid and pre-registered. Last night I promised myself and made a rule that I must go today. I must do two swim sessions this week.

I looked at the clock driving west towards the pool and it read 5:59am. One minute left to get in and get started. Certainly left no time for dreadful thought.

Ugh it was cold, walking backwards down the granny steps into the pool. I don’t think I’ve got the core or balance yet to bend down and hop into the water gracefully. And to think, I’ll be finished my second Ironman in 8 months from today. I’ll probably have spent way too much money on finisher swag and be elated to have completed a second Ironman. I truly believe this one is much more difficult and racing in Penticton will be, dare I predict, cathartic.

A second Ironman! I have dreamt of doing this again. Somehow, I allowed that first one to be minimized. I recall a coach, thankfully not mine, congratulate me for knocking something off my bucket list. I heard the implication how that Ironman was just a one and done thing and I hadn’t demonstrated any of the commitment, tenacity and consistency of a true triathlete.

I still struggle mightily with consistency. Anybody that knows me would agree. They would also agree that I do not lack commitment or tenacity, and when I say I will rip every shred of experience from this race and this training, they know not to doubt me.

I’m back in the pool tomorrow…

Day 12 – Christmas Eve

Living in Canada, I recognize that we’re a secular nation. That’s one of our brilliances, our diversity. I was borne Catholic but have abandoned that path for one more connected to a life force, a more natural existence filled with gratitude for all living beings. I recognize that their is no evil, just acts and behaviours that are wondrous and all shades of grey thereafter. Certainly, there are some acts that are repulsive, appear as black as the darkest forest. They seem evil, yet, we are all human and we each have roots back to our first breath, the innocence of youth. We can be grateful for those first moments and for all the learning that we go forward with into our dying days. And of all the people we come across that bring us those lessons.

I appreciate the work and strong christian influences as it’s given me a sense of love, of family and appreciation especially during this part of the year. I also recognize that these strong christian influences have been at the expense of so many and I am reminded to think of all people at this time of year, to try not to make myself joyously bigger than I need to be. That can be harmful to others who may have a vastly different experience with this time of year. And I love those people and ache for each of them to feel well.

This past month, AJ and I have scrambled to bring a day full of wonder and love to our family. Our kids are bursting in excitement and I’m warmed to see 8 year old Emily so excited to give gifts to the rest of us. She can hardly contain herself with each present she has wrapped, carefully in place. It’s also sad to think that we can’t involve more people during these pressing pandemic days. There is always more we can do to help our community.

I am grateful that I feel well and also am feeling stronger each day. I attribute today’s wellness to my yoga session with Emily last night. I was dreading it beforehand and even in the beginning but soon felt that love and connection with my daughter and noticed that I am quickly getting stronger and more flexible. Em is my yoga coach and is as important to my Ironman success as anybody. I pay her $20 per week and she is worth every penny.

I completed my fourth swim of the week today. I heard a few notes of Pearl Jam over the pool stereo system between laps and got a jolt of adrenaline and focus. I was able to squeeze in 2200m at a 2:36/100m pace. I’ve finished 7 swims now and feel accomplished. I have a long way to go and this is a very good start.

I want to race Ironman pain free. I want to feel connected in community throughout my training, I do not want to feel lonely and isolated. That begins with embracing my family and asking for their help employing their unique strengths.

Wishing everyone love, lightness and wellness.

Day 11 – writing a journal

I’m the least interested in writing this today of the 11 day streak that I’m on. I feel unmotivated and sort of void of thoughts or any vision for what I want to say here. It’s a vulnerable type of day however I did get my third of four swim sessions in, had some time to connect with my wife already this morning and listened to my son singing carols from bed as he was waking up. It’s also sunny out and cool, about 0 degrees C. A good day!

The doldrums I guess stem from last night and feeling disappointed instead of grateful on my anniversary date with AJ. She wasn’t able to make it to our hopeful snowshoe destination, to be able to see the Jupiter/Saturn conjunction. I started thinking again of how physical activity may not be in our collective lives. This is immensely sad to me given how important sport and being physically active are to me. So inevitably I feel torn, do I go off by myself every day honouring that piece of me which is so important, a life essence so to speak, or do I minimize myself in attempts to connect and remain close. I’m prone to do the latter.

I know which AJ would choose. She would insist that I go out on my own and be vibrant knowing that when I come home, I would be in a wellness state. The problem is one of aloneness and loneliness and feelings of guilt and shame. So these are the feelings that I need to let go, just get them over with. They will come but they don’t need to disrupt my life.

In addition to the many blessings and positives which I already mentioned, I am eating well and am on track to meet my weekly swimming goal. Another slightly discouraging piece is being up 0.2 pounds despite eating what I needed to yesterday. My protein consumption has been high so perhaps I’m building quite a bit more muscle than I have in the past at this stage. I’m going to slightly lower my daily calorie intake in hopes that will result in more weight loss. I am ahead of the game still down 1.6 pounds already to meet my 10 pound weight-loss goal for January. One day at a time!

I want to race Ironman pain free and I will train my body and mind to become stronger in all ways. This means a gradual build of volume, avoiding running, increasing hiking and showshoeing, getting my bike tires switched over to be able to ride in the winter. I want to be doing 7-9 hours of weekly activity right now with the idea of moving that to 10+ hours/week in January.

I can’t wait to go snowshoeing again, to go skating with Bob later today and do yoga with Emily as well.

In the meantime, I will do some good work and earn that which I desire.

PS One other thing I forgot to mention is AJ’s idea of renewing our vows next year and inviting people who weren’t able to make it the first time, like my family and friends. I really like that idea. ❤

Day 10 – writing a journal

I feel well right now but had an off day yesterday with my mood. It’s my 9th anniversary today and for some reason was interpreting AJ’s illness as relationship based sadness. When I came home last night, I felt deflated but AJ was feeling good and had really great energy about her. We ate supper (dinner as Emily loves to argue with me) and then set to making lanterns for winter solstice. It was a lot of fun working together as a family and we worked for a long time before deciding to do more today. Well they are while I’m at work.

After lantern making, we took some time to watch Star Wars; the Sith rises or whatever. It’s a total drag and utterly devastating and sad. I think I’ve only seen it once before. We still haven’t finished it.

Anyway, so those Star Wars related feelings are dank, heavy and putrid. Good to let them go.

I awoke today on my first alarm after a four minute lag period. It snowed enough to make things all crusty this morning but it was cool, beautiful and quiet. After scraping the ice of the car, I made the 5 minute drive to the pool and was the first one in. Pretty quiet overall as only 4 of us swimming laps today. My time was down from yesterday but attributable to swimming yesterday plus not feeling the same sense of urgency with a lane all to myself.

I weighed myself before I set off to the pool of course and saw a slight gain of 0.8lbs (348.2) which I’m feeling discouraged by. I knew the day would come that I would gain weight when I thought I ate well the day before. Now the gain could be due to many factors and I remind myself that I feel good and well. I am on track to accomplishing my goal and am on schedule to complete my swim session goal for this week having done two of four sessions already. I am on track and it’s one day at a time.

I’ve been playing with the idea of losing 10 pounds per month up to August 29th. That would be a racing weight of 260lbs which is near what I was racing at in 2014. I’ve lost 10 pounds already in December and am building upon that for January. I am on track. One thing I may need to be mindful of though is spacing out my daily calories as it’s mostly been in three meals. I need to eat 5 times a day with some good snack options. I like the premiere protein shakes. They are tasty, satiating and pack a good protein punch. Tracking my food each day, I am hitting my protein macro targets which is something I’ve never done in the past.

I am on track and that’s the lesson today. Tonight, AJ and I are going for an evening snowshoe up Mount Seymour. It’ll be a beautiful starry night and I can’t wait to share that with her. She gave me a beautiful painting today with a lovely quote about the optimism and opportunity of fishing. I love it! I’m going to get her an archery target. LOL!

Day 9 – writing a journal (Winter Solstice)

Happy Solstice. One of my favourite days of the year. Much time for reflection and opportunity for rebirth. Today among all the days of the year, is the one I feel the greatest hope. Hope for light, growth, nutrition, energy, love and a good reminder to let go. Sending you all much love and since we couldn’t go to a labyrinth, we made one in the yard. All are welcome. 

I was back in the pool today though a little sluggish to wake up. Needed my second alarm. The weekend was so busy that I lost a bit of focus preparing for this week ahead. I went for a great hike with Copper into Golden Ears Provincial Park, a two hour return trip but came out in the dark. Kind of got turned around which wasn’t the best but made it back safely. It was during that return that I remembered my swim goal for this week, 4 sessions. Eek. Well I got my first one in and feel grand. I am over 20 seconds / 100m faster than I was last Wednesday. Huge gains! Somewhat attributable to swimming amongst more people. I could feel the stress in my body to be faster.

And now into the day I go. It is winter solstice and I have much to look forward to tonight. Making lanterns with my family, moving into the labyrinth for some prayer and then some yoga with my coach, Emily.

Wishing you all the best and much newness and strength in letting go.

Miigwetch!

Day 8 – writing in my journal

I’ve switched over from Tumblr as it seems my posts are deleted after a certain length of time and I like the idea of my experiences, as written here, not being deleted.

I haven’t written here in such a long time but I’ve long learned that keeping a journal, whether private or not, is immensely helpful to me, for my overall health, mentally most so. It’s an accountability tool where I’ve taken to writing what I want and what am I prepared to do to get it. This helps me focus upon what’s most important to me in my life and gives me power over momentary urges that are not in my best interest. One of my biggest challenges is overeating and I’ve recently ballooned back up to 360 pounds. This seems to be my equilibrium weight, being the weight that fits my worst eating habits with my base level activity. Also, included in this is my disgust in not being able to move, fit into my clothes, tie my shoes, put my socks on, get out of bed, ridden with pain (body and headaches), circulation issues and burning skin. This is not what I want!

So now I’ve been writing privately for seven days and have gotten past that most difficult hump of being consumed by my cravings and daily weaknesses. I have also been food journaling which is a horrible chore and instrumental in being able to get over that hump. I’m happy to say that I now weight 348.2 pounds. I’m accustomed to rapid weight loss in these beginning stages. Once I stop eating up to 5000 calories a day and eat more like 2000, my activity and lifestyle allows me to lose weight to a certain point.

One strategy I’m working on, knowing that this rapid weight loss will not last, is the one day at a time method. It’s easy for me to get discouraged. One landmine I subconsciously set for myself is getting over-confident, which can lead to letting my guard down and adding more treats to my day. This is slippery slope. I say that I set these barriers up for myself because I believe that deep down, there is trauma which makes me feel unsafe being any other weight. There’s something about feeling confident, good about myself, sexy that can be very uncomfortable, to the point where my skin tingles in anxiety. Like any daily weakness and cravings, these are temporary experiences and I’m going to take it one day at a time.

UBC Olympic Triathlon Race Report

I still have a bit of euphoria left but the drowsiness is coming on rapidly. I had an incredible race. I’m just so thankful to everybody and everything that makes a day like today possible. My ancestors, my parents, the land that supported me as I travelled across it, my wife and kids, the ever positive volunteers and race organizers, whoever built that new aquatic centre and I can go on and on.

If you read my pre-race report you’ll notice that I wanted to swim sub36min, cycle sub83min and run sub72min but changed those hopes to finishing in 3.5 hours. So that’s 1500m swimming, 40km cycling and running for 10km (for those that don’t know).

This morning I weighed ~325lbs which is roughly 40 more than when I did this race 3 years ago. I haven’t been on the bike outside much at all and I worried that I wouldn’t be able to sustain 3.5hrs of consistent effort with my longest training day being only two hours.

So now that it’s all set up, I completed in 3hrs20min with a 35min swim, 80min bike and 73min run. I’m amazed. We had a long run and subsequent transition after the pool so that was 8 minutes and T2 was 4. I’m thrilled by this and mostly about being able to race at a low zone 3 (heart rate ~150-155) for it all. I attribute this to my nutrition plan which I used during my Ironman in 2014. I mixed two bottles with 2 Nuun tabs, and a mixture of CarboPro and Orange Gatorade for taste (~450kcal). I had one on the bike and one on the run and I felt strong throughout.

My sense of the course is that it is a fast one. The winds picked up halfway through the bike but the out is mostly downhill and the back is a gentle uphill. The run has a lengthy downhill segment and the back not much of a noticeable climb. The pool was fast and electric. It had 10x50m lanes so we swam down and back each lane across the pool to clock 1km then jumped out and back into lane 5 to finish the 1500m.

I had to register this morning and was put into the D heat. We went last around 9:15am and though I was told we were grouped by time (35-45min estimated swim time) that was not the case. I found myself 2nd last in my heat with Thomas kindly taking the rear. He would pass me at the 25m mark. LOL It’s definitely harder when you’re the slowest by a wide margin. I just had to swim within myself being unable to use anybody to pace off of. I had a close call with one guy as I had to barrel role to avoid a head on collision. He was coming down the middle of the lane and I was creeped over a bit too. We locked arms into our shoulder but we got free during the recovery, no injuries. Yay!

Thomas went out pretty fast and built 100m lead on me but I was able to bring it back to 40m by the end. I was happy with that. People were lined up all around the pool and it was neat looking at them as they waited their sprint heat. I felt pride knowing, even though last, that I was doing the Olympic distance. The sprint is half the distance and I was thinking how maybe I should’ve opted for that instead but am so happy that I didn’t.

T1 (1st transition from swim to bike) had a long run from the pool to the bike racks. It was somewhat surreal needing to run around the Aquatic Centre and between the old Student Union Building where I had once been attacked by a throng of teenagers. The Bird’s Nest wasn’t there and certainly not the Aquatic Centre. I used to play soccer and go to beer gardens where the hot tub is. Racing at UBC is a treat and though many construction changes have happened in the 20 years, there are many memories anchored deep.

I was happy to see Thomas in the change tent but he was long gone by the time I got to the bike rack. It was raining by now and very cold. Probably around 5 degrees C which is what, about 40 degrees F?

The bike course is an out and back with 4 laps. A few potholes would steal some unsecured water bottles from inattentive riders. They were deep so I hope they and their bikes were ok. I rode with a spare tube but no pump or patch kit. Gambling but no issues. I chose running shorts and a long sleeve, short sleeve, tech hoodie combo for the top. I was very cold but once things numbed out, it became more bearable.

So I’m the slow guy on the course but not so so slow on the bike. I get a lot of energy out of the people cheering, the volunteers offering encouragement and others who pass me by. Some of them say, hey way to go. I hear..for a fat guy. I change it in my head by replying, thanks…you too.

The 4th lap came and went pretty quickly as far as I was concerned. By the third, I was trying to remember how many I had done. There’s always that thought “Am I going to do 5 of these because my brain doesn’t work anymore?” Don’t ever ask me to engage in complex conversation while I’m sweating a lot.

As I was coming in to T2 (Bike – Run transition), I was pretty hobbled. I haven’t cycled enough to have developed reasonable sit bone resilience and I was cranking a big gear at times and my hamstrings seemed locked tight. I managed to get the short distance to my bike, and as per regulation, put my helmet on first and then changed shoes and all that stuff. I was out in 3:55. I hobbled forward to the end of the transition and then as soon as I crossed it, I was able to run. I don’t know how but I did run. It wasn’t pretty. For one, I couldn’t feel my feet. They were completely senseless and would take 3km of pounding to start coming back.

And so I was running. I wasn’t the fastest or even competitive but not the slowest either. I was able to meet some people on the course and share war stories. Still able to talk in low Zone 3. I’d power down the hills as quick as I could trust my feet and heart and on the steeper inclines, I’d power walk. There were only two of these on the course. At the halfway mark, I saw that I had 30 minutes left to finish in 3:15 and match the time I set three years ago. I picked it up though not able to tell how fast I was going. I was wearing my Garmin 910 and had it set on Auto Multisport. That was a mistake and I got no metrics about speed or pace and even my HR monitor was wonky, reading at times and not at others. It was nice though to run to how I felt. I didn’t go too hard fearing that I’d blow up and inevitably get slower. The pace I kept was a good one, about 11.2 min/mile which is very fast compared to my training pace (~13min/mile).

With the last straight slightly uphill stretch and a downhill turn to go, I had 9 minutes to get to the finish to be there by 3hr20min. I turned it on, as much as I dared, trying to catch the big guy who passed me by. He was too fast. I felt pure elation in that final stretch, very grateful to all my relations. I thought of my wife and kids AJ, Emily and Bobby, hoping that I’d see them at the end. It was really raining uncomfortably hard and cold. Sure enough, there they were, cheering me on wildly as I ran down that last few metres. I was and am so happy. What privilege I have to be able to do this, to have the time and resources and health to do all of this. AJ and her support are tantamount to any success I have and I am eternally grateful and indebted to her.

She delayed her plans to spend the weekend with her two best friends to care for the kids. She took them to music class and stood there waiting for me in the cold rain, trying to keep the kids entertained. Bobby is 2.5 and so appeared content to be sheltered away in his stroller and Emily was hunkered down under an umbrella. They were soaked. I lifted Emily over the fence and she was immediately given a medal. It matched the one I got and I didn’t want to give it back. My hope is for her to find her own way of taking care of herself and hopefully sport fits into that picture in some way. I’d love to be able to do races with her and Bobby as they grow.

So there you have it. I was super happy, feeling very proud, excited to have my family there and see others that I’d met throughout the day. I told AJ that I needed 30 minutes to change and gather everything and I also couldn’t pass up a chance to sit in the hot tub. My whole body stung as I entered, my skin and flesh slowly warming and building circulation. I got out much too early for my liking but not wanting to leave AJ too long. But that happened anyway, as it often does. I’m a very lucky man to be blessed with the love of such a wonderful woman. I hope and try to support her as much as she does me.

Signing off for now. Hope you all enjoy your weekends out there and if you’re on spring break, that time as well.

With love. ❤

 

 

 

 

UBC Olympic Triathlon pre-race report

Ever heard of new-pool smell? The new UBC Aquatic Centre is incredible! I can’t wait to start. Our heats are behind (of course everyone says).

I had to register this morning as I missed the deadline. I still haven’t paid. They didn’t have that functionality set up yet for 6:30. Good thing because I don’t exactly have money to give them. LOL I’ve been trying to load my prepaid credit card since last night. They won’t take cash.

I’m excited and nervous. This is the first triathlon or race of any kind since doing Ironman Canada in July 2014. Since then I put back on 115lbs and have dropped 50lbs since deciding to race Ironman again this July.

I did this race 3 years ago and had the gall to think that I could better that time. I think I was about 40lbs lighter then and had half marathon run and 100km cycling endurance. I was able to finish in 3:15 then. My times swim:36min, bike:83min, run:71min.

Today I think I need to be happy with 3.5hrs. I haven’t been on my bike outside much because of snow and only started running 10k two weeks ago. My longest training session has been 2 hrs. I think I need to be reasonable.

It’s wonderful being here though. Excitement is everywhere. Love the comaradarie and conversation and even questionable looks at my Ironman finisher jacket that I’m proudly peacocking.

Our heats are drawing near so I should wrap up. Hope to write something afterwards. Enjoy your day everyone. 😀

For my Mom

My Mom is in the ICU right now with some kind of an infection that is causing her shortness of breath. We’re all worried. They’ve ruled out a blood clot and now are tracing the source. UTI? We don’t know. Some months ago she fell and broke her hip and has been actively recovering at home after too long a stay in several hospitals. Her physiotherapist has said that she has been a studious pupil, committed to doing her exercises as instructed and so this has taken an unexpected turn.

My Mom hasn’t been a model of health all of her years, playing catch up for the most part, perhaps a model I’ve used for my own procrastinating tendencies. That’s not to say that she didn’t try, she actually did far beyond her best but diabetes markers started popping up in her 20’s and then Multiple Sclerosis, Canada’s disease they say, in her early 40’s. The years have taken their toll on her body.

My Mom, through it all, and believe me there has been a lot of all…has been a workhorse, a silent Matriarch gluing the pieces of our family together with her caregiving work and service. Whether it was through the making of thousands of meals (not all at once, just in twos, threes and fours), sewing miles of stitching, crafting quilts for all of us to feel her love, she worked tirelessly to take care of us. That’s what she knows to do.

My Mom never got much of the credit as we have grown. We doted on Dad. He’s a little more charismatic, more comfortable socially, more expressive. It’s never been fair and Dad has taken it diplomatically, gently nudging us reminders of the greatness of Mom. Mom never once complained that I’ve ever heard. She was just that silent Matriarch, amazing and awesome in her strength and resolve.

Now, to think of my Mom laying there in an ICU ward, short of breath, needing oxygen – this life giving element that we so lightly take for granted; the oxygen that she needs so that she may work just as hard on the inside to repair and heal and come home. I…hope.

We worry.

My Mom is a proud woman, strong as they come and not one to let others do the work for her. I’m sure she would love that, deep down inside, to be taken care of, but that’s not her way. She’s my Mom – a mom like many others, who learned long ago that in order to grow a family, self must come second, or 10th or last. There are always so many things to do.

I never understood that, and I still don’t…not fully. I have my own family now. I am learning.

It’s an odd place to be, being a parent and a child in the same body. I need to care for my kids, and, I want my Mom still to care for me. I want for her to be well and happy, for my children to learn from her and for myself, to see the love that she carries in her eyes for them. How wonderful that is! It’s hard to see that love when you’re the kid. Sometimes, all I saw was the yelling or being told what to do. It was a long time before I knew how to tell that. It was a longer time to be able to tell her that.

I love you Mom!

Emily, Bobby, AJ and I love you so much. I feel so lost all of these miles away. We miss you dearly and are trying to do that thing people say they do…sending you positive healing energy and hoping to see you very soon.

Get some rest. 😉

Talk soon.

Tyler

Turning 40

One more day to go.

I’ve lamented a long time, grieving over the loss of time and opportunity; my adolescence and my 20’s. I had no idea how or who to be in a complex social world and couldn’t realize that all I needed to do was be me. Embrace the Tyler and let me shine. That was far too frightening for me at that time of my life.

It’s almost time to move on with things. For the last 7.5 years I have been looking forward to and dreading tomorrow.

Turning 40 has become a benchmark to measure my life by. The moment I turned 32.5, I knew I had to pick up my socks. People were already having heart attacks in their late 30’s and the way I was going, I was going to be one of them. I was deep into my big fade period, alone, isolating, waiting for the inevitable…death. There had to be more.

Without getting too into things, I’ve done a lot since then. I had my first long term relationship, met another woman, fell in love and got married, have had two wonderful kids, rediscovered a love of cycling, swimming and running and especially how fun it is to put them all together.

I’ve accomplished a lot, added great meaning to my life, great purpose. If you knew me 7.5 years ago, you are very surprised by everything that has happened. Everyone tells me this, close friends, close family, acquaintances. Everyone is happy for me yet I am left with that same person from all those years ago, the one that is still trying to play catch up.

I am not happy with myself. I wonder if I ever can be. Happy? Satisfied? Content? Loving? Appreciative? I use these words to try to fake it until I make it but my actions suggest a whole different narrative.

I notice that I’m really addicted to loathing myself these days. I’m guessing that you’re wondering what that can even mean or look like. Well, let me tell you.

In the last year, I’ve reverted to my equilibrium self from a state of massive accomplishment (having lost 100+ pounds and successfully competed in my first Ironman). I was proud, felt strong and invincible. No hill seemed too steep.

My equilibrium state is this guy who is stuck in the 350-365lb range, active, but only until I get discouraged by just how hard it is to be active. My sleep apnea requires nightly treatment, my emotions are all over the place and I struggle so mightily trying to maintain a semblance of consistency. My house is a mess, my relationships on presumed everything-will-be-alright cruise control, my life is a mess, I can’t make a decision for the life of me.

Over the past year, I’ve tried a half dozen times to right the ship (as I recognized I was sinking) and nothing has stuck. I’ve had some bad luck (broke my arm) but mostly, I always fall back to bad habits, specifically eating habits. I resent not being able to eat what I want when I want. It’s become my only stress coping mechanism, my go-to.

A week and a half ago, I set off with friends to cycle 1700km to San Francisco from Vancouver, BC (Canada). I made it 5 days (~550km) before falling apart so completely that I needed my wife to come and rescue me. The trip to San Francisco was supposed to be the one epic thing that I did for my 40th birthday. I would be hell-bound to allow my 40th to look anything like my 30th (where I went to sleep early in hotel room on a Friday night after work, surrounded by no friends, no family, nobody).

If you haven’t realized by now, my 40th birthday is a big one for me. I’ve wondered why as others have different milestones. I guess all I can say, apart from the being motivated to do something with my life, I just fondly remember my Dad turning 40.

He’s a card and a good sport. Everyone, friends, family, acquaintances came by to get their licks in. He was OVER THE HILL! I’m not sure how it was for him to turn 40 but I definitely was excited and that’s why I remember it so fondly. He seemed to be loved and to have a great many people in his life who appreciated him. I knew that I loved him. He was my hero after all, this monumental man; a guy who was charismatic, generous, thoughtful/considerate, hard working and intelligent. He’s many more things but these are qualities I especially admire, probably because I don’t think I’m so great at any of them.

In a few hours I will wake up to 40. I’ve made the decision that it is more important for me to be with my family (even though that’s all it will be) than to be off on some grand adventure. We didn’t do Vegas or Disneyland, or go ocean kayak touring like had been my goal since 35. We won’t have a party, there won’t be anybody there except my wife and my children and I say that’s a far cry from where I was on my 30th.

I am sad, certainly, as I look to tomorrow and think about what could have been. Thing is, I had the epic in my hands and I chose my family instead. And it is the right choice. If I think of being 32.5 again and were I to know that I’ll be able to wake up with my wife and children when I turn 40, I’d probably think that is plenty good enough. At this point, I really don’t want anything more.